fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
