Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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