nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
