I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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