im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
