i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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