Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
