we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
