Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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