Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
