Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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