I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
