tonight lets celebrate not being married
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
