The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
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Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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