Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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