i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
