I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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