Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
