I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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