im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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