I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
