Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
