a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
