His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
