Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
