the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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