I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
