if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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