I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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