His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
