So drunk its hurt
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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