Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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