i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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