does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
