I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
