Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
