Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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