I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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