Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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