I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
