So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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