I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
