the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
