I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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