am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
