I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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