Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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