I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
