I think I died a long time ago.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
