Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
