I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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