The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
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This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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