they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
