We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
